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 because pen to paper i think is more therapeutic. Today was hard but im working through it. Healing. healing through the days, healing through the trauma. its overwhelming, the body sensations, the sadness, the fear, the disgust, the pain. The body sensations, the heaviness, the clenching, the need to crawl into a ball, the freezing of muscles and bones and the freezing of breath. Sometimes im not breathing. Im always clenching my jaw, things im just beginning to notice, and understand.  i want to forget his hands on me, i want to forget what ive remembered but i cant and there is a part of me thats happy i remember. I wouldnt have gone through the black door if i hadnt wanted to remember. so here it is, not all of it, but some, enough and its sensory and emotional overload. I just wish they wouldnt have touched me, and left me an innocent child. 

I’m afraid of losing every part of you I’ve already lost you. There’s no getting used to the quiet your leaving  It’s louder than screaming I’m getting used to this quiet your leaving and that’s worse. Your criticisms are so loud in my ear and it makes me feel so much more trapped.  We’re not in love anymore. You cut yourself off from me a long time Ago and I can’t keep loving a ghost. I don’t want to keep loving you it hurts me so much.  I keep waiting for the moment when I’m ready to leave, I feel ready, I just don’t want to face more pain than I’m already feeling. I’m trying to increase my tolerance for pain. I wish I could just shut it off, I wish I could just shut you out, I wish I could build a wall of bricks against you. Your opinions of me make me feel so bad about myself. I know it’s not all you, it’s some of me, but the sad fact is that you don’t take responsibility and you don’t feel sorry, you don’t see the issue. I can’t fight for something you don’t want to ...

 nosubstanceintheworldcoulderaseyou

 an undercurrent always there, right in my heart. It hurts too much, and i know i shouldnt be day drinking but i am. There is only so much a girl can take, i know its not good but at least its not the monster of all drugs.  im allowing myself to do this and im not going to feel bad. i needed a reprieve. is it what i want to do? no. is it heatlhy? no. but ive been pushing myself so hard and i have no relief, so im letting myself have this today. no more drinking after today to soothe this storm inside, i will deal with it head on from here on out. DONE AND DONE. i hate this, im angry, i fucking am sad. i want it to stop, i miss him, and im angry at him, and i wish this was all fucking different. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I DONT WANT TO HURT LIKE THIS ANYMORE AND ITS ONLY BEEN ONE FUCKIN DAY, WHY CANT I HANDLE IT?

 I’m out here in the sun with a smoke and it’s a beautiful day but my heart hurts. My heart which has been his for so long, is his no longer. I can’t keep doing this, loving him and losing me. I once spray painted your name across the tunnels beneath the city, i once believed you could hold all my energy, and i searched for so long after the beginning because you once did. That person, you were. you were so beautiful with your head in my hands watching the tress and staring into my eyes. I once believed that loving you could help me love me, but its only done the opposite. Everyday that ive tried to inch closer to the person that you were back then, i keep falling into the abyss. You blocked your heart from me, for years. I saw him again yesterday, but i cant wait for him. I cant wait for you to wake up one day. I cant have love that only lasts 5% of the time. It hurts more because i saw the person i had been longing for so much, just yesterday. The way you looked at me, the tears ...

 i dont want to write, i dont want to be in it right now but i am. i lost it in group about my dad, and his drinking. In group i just felt like i was shaking and i kept trying to shove it down. i didnt want to do it in front of him, in front of everyone. i also felt like it came out of nowhere. my heart started racing again, and then i said. im super uncomfortable right now and started bawling. i started bawling and he was asking me to stay with him, i could for two breaths before i lost it completely. i put my face in my hands and sobbed. he asked me where it was in my body. i said my chest was tight, and i said its moving and he asked where and i said its moving to my legs, they feel heavy, like i cant walk. i saw a flashback of my dad at the top of the stairs and my brothers face, and i felt like i couldnt move. I said that he didnt yell much and it was so loud it was shocking and jarring.  alot of its still flashing back at me, i feel like im hurting still. i kept coming i...