Lost

I’m afraid of losing every part of you I’ve already lost you.

There’s no getting used to the quiet your leaving 

It’s louder than screaming I’m getting used to this quiet your leaving and that’s worse.

Your criticisms are so loud in my ear and it makes me feel so much more trapped. 

We’re not in love anymore. You cut yourself off from me a long time

Ago and I can’t keep loving a ghost. I don’t want to keep loving you it hurts me so much. 

I keep waiting for the moment when I’m ready to leave, I feel ready, I just don’t want to face more pain than I’m already feeling. I’m trying to increase my tolerance for pain. I wish I could just shut it off, I wish I could just shut you out, I wish I could build a wall of bricks against you. Your opinions of me make me feel so bad about myself. I know it’s not all you, it’s some of me, but the sad fact is that you don’t take responsibility and you don’t feel sorry, you don’t see the issue. I can’t fight for something you don’t want to fight for. I can’t fight for you to fight for me. I can’t fight alone anymore. I have to fight for myself, and I want to include you, I’ve wanted this for so long, I’ve fought for this for eight years, and it kills me that I have to give it up. I have to give you up. I don’t want to keep staying sick. I read the letter you sent me nine years ago. It was from the man that I fell in love with, the man that you used to be, the one I’ve been waiting for for eight years, the one that is vulnerable and kind and so in love with me. That letter used to make me so happy, and all that turned in to is pain. Every memory of you, it makes me miss you so much. I’ve lost that man, the one that looked into my eyes under the trees, the one that sailed with me that February and gave me all I could ever ask for. I’ve been grieving and seeking that man for eight years. I still feel like I’m in love with that man, but he’s not the man in front of me, and to reconcile that is almost impossible. To see you, and know what’s underneath, and what’s being held from me, what you’ve turned into, what used to be. I can’t tell you how much all this hurts. But I can’t keep going, I can’t keep scrambling in the dark for just a sliver of light every few years. I can’t wait for you. I stayed because you were the beginning of a dream I wanted to remember. I can’t die waiting for you. I can’t keep saying “he loves me, he just makes me cry a lot.” I can’t keep accepting the pain of you not loving me. I feel lonely when you hold me. I don’t even want to have sex. I could always count on the sex and the physical connection we had. Even that is gone. I don’t want to go home. I’m walking and writing and crying. no one leaves home unless home is the mouth of a shark. I tried to make a home with you, but you can’t make a home with someone that’s not safe. 

Shame on you, 

Shame on me too. 

There’s something I’ve been entitled too, for too long, too long. 

Something I’ve been entitled too, something I’ll never find in you. 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My hearts in fucking pieces.

 I’m out here in the sun with a smoke and it’s a beautiful day but my heart hurts. My heart which has been his for so long, is his no longer. I can’t keep doing this, loving him and losing me. I once spray painted your name across the tunnels beneath the city, i once believed you could hold all my energy, and i searched for so long after the beginning because you once did. That person, you were. you were so beautiful with your head in my hands watching the tress and staring into my eyes. I once believed that loving you could help me love me, but its only done the opposite. Everyday that ive tried to inch closer to the person that you were back then, i keep falling into the abyss. You blocked your heart from me, for years. I saw him again yesterday, but i cant wait for him. I cant wait for you to wake up one day. I cant have love that only lasts 5% of the time. It hurts more because i saw the person i had been longing for so much, just yesterday. The way you looked at me, the tears ...
Read more

trauma

 its such a weird thing. I knew i had been through things, and i knew they were hard. Having a alcoholic father and mother definitely wasn't easy, but i really didnt understand that even that was trauma. Now that everything has come up, i now understand just how much trauma ive been through.  why is it so hard to write about this? the memories themselves coming back was traumatic, and what happened was definitely beyond traumatizing. Its so hard to say, its so hard to think about. Sometimes i feel like im wading through cement when im writing because i dont want to get to the part where i start talking about what happened. Its scary to talk about, its scary to think about, its like going there, brings me to that place and i dont want to go back there. It hurts too much. I constantly question if the things in my head happened to me, but after i sobbed like i never had in group in front of all the people that make me feel safe i no longer questioned it. Its like everything i had...
Read more

this pain just doesnt let up, its lasted all day

 an undercurrent always there, right in my heart. It hurts too much, and i know i shouldnt be day drinking but i am. There is only so much a girl can take, i know its not good but at least its not the monster of all drugs.  im allowing myself to do this and im not going to feel bad. i needed a reprieve. is it what i want to do? no. is it heatlhy? no. but ive been pushing myself so hard and i have no relief, so im letting myself have this today. no more drinking after today to soothe this storm inside, i will deal with it head on from here on out. DONE AND DONE. i hate this, im angry, i fucking am sad. i want it to stop, i miss him, and im angry at him, and i wish this was all fucking different. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I DONT WANT TO HURT LIKE THIS ANYMORE AND ITS ONLY BEEN ONE FUCKIN DAY, WHY CANT I HANDLE IT?
Read more