this pain just doesnt let up, its lasted all day

 an undercurrent always there, right in my heart. It hurts too much, and i know i shouldnt be day drinking but i am. There is only so much a girl can take, i know its not good but at least its not the monster of all drugs. 

im allowing myself to do this and im not going to feel bad. i needed a reprieve. is it what i want to do? no. is it heatlhy? no. but ive been pushing myself so hard and i have no relief, so im letting myself have this today. no more drinking after today to soothe this storm inside, i will deal with it head on from here on out. DONE AND DONE. i hate this, im angry, i fucking am sad. i want it to stop, i miss him, and im angry at him, and i wish this was all fucking different. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I DONT WANT TO HURT LIKE THIS ANYMORE AND ITS ONLY BEEN ONE FUCKIN DAY, WHY CANT I HANDLE IT?

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