My hearts in fucking pieces.

 I’m out here in the sun with a smoke and it’s a beautiful day but my heart hurts. My heart which has been his for so long, is his no longer. I can’t keep doing this, loving him and losing me.

I once spray painted your name across the tunnels beneath the city,

i once believed you could hold all my energy, and i searched for so long after the beginning because you once did. That person, you were. you were so beautiful with your head in my hands watching the tress and staring into my eyes. I once believed that loving you could help me love me, but its only done the opposite. Everyday that ive tried to inch closer to the person that you were back then, i keep falling into the abyss. You blocked your heart from me, for years. I saw him again yesterday, but i cant wait for him. I cant wait for you to wake up one day. I cant have love that only lasts 5% of the time. It hurts more because i saw the person i had been longing for so much, just yesterday. The way you looked at me, the tears in your eyes, it haunts me. This sadness feels so awful, but i cant keep staying because i dont want to feel. I questioned for so long, where your love for me had gone, where you had gone. I didnt think that you even existed anymore. The man that held my face in your hands on that sailboat in the middle of the sea. I was in so much pain then, searching for someone to give my desire, myself too. And i gave myself to you, and you gave yourself to me, and to have you taken away for me for so long killed me inside. I love you so much, i have never loved anyone else the way i love you. and i dont want to lose you, but i already have and i have for years and those years were so long and so painful. i cant keep going through that pain, i cant keep stuffing down every single part of me to make myself beautiful for you. I cant keep being small. you said my excitement seems aggressive to you. I understand and i dont understand. I just wanted to be seen. I wanted you to see me. But it wasnt ever enough, and i could feel that all the way deep inside me. I tried for years to ignore it, to smash myself down, to make myself small, to make you love me. But i couldnt. and i still cant and i have to go through this so that i can find someone that will love me in my fullness and celebrate me. This is going to take me years to move past this, and its going to hurt me, I already feel the fullness the heaviness and the ache thats deep inside me. Its almost impossible, but i can get there. If i believed i could make this work i would bridge it but it is impossible or i would have already been able to change this. I would have done anything to change it, i did everything i could to change it and its not meant to be changed, and i have to learn to put myself first, and loving you doesnt do that. I so badly, wish it did. my whole existence has been trying to do just that.