writing here less

 because pen to paper i think is more therapeutic. Today was hard but im working through it. Healing.

healing through the days, healing through the trauma.

its overwhelming, the body sensations, the sadness, the fear, the disgust, the pain. The body sensations, the heaviness, the clenching, the need to crawl into a ball, the freezing of muscles and bones and the freezing of breath. Sometimes im not breathing. Im always clenching my jaw, things im just beginning to notice, and understand. 

i want to forget his hands on me, i want to forget what ive remembered but i cant and there is a part of me thats happy i remember. I wouldnt have gone through the black door if i hadnt wanted to remember. so here it is, not all of it, but some, enough and its sensory and emotional overload. I just wish they wouldnt have touched me, and left me an innocent child.