feel so off

 i dont want to write, i dont want to be in it right now but i am. i lost it in group about my dad, and his drinking. In group i just felt like i was shaking and i kept trying to shove it down. i didnt want to do it in front of him, in front of everyone. i also felt like it came out of nowhere. my heart started racing again, and then i said. im super uncomfortable right now and started bawling. i started bawling and he was asking me to stay with him, i could for two breaths before i lost it completely. i put my face in my hands and sobbed. he asked me where it was in my body. i said my chest was tight, and i said its moving and he asked where and i said its moving to my legs, they feel heavy, like i cant walk. i saw a flashback of my dad at the top of the stairs and my brothers face, and i felt like i couldnt move. I said that he didnt yell much and it was so loud it was shocking and jarring.  alot of its still flashing back at me, i feel like im hurting still. i kept coming in and out of the room being aware of where i was in the room, and not in the room.i never noticed it before he showed me. and then he tried to have me stand up but i stood up and i almost fell over. i sat back down cause it was so uncomfortable. at one point i said i felt stupid and i felt like i was being selfish for taking up all the time. They said i wasnt selfish. i said i feel safe here. i dont think i could do this if i didnt feel safe. i then brought up that my dad came in the bathroom and i hit him- i was trying to protect my brother and my mom and the look on his face when i hit hit him was shocking. i felt awful after that, i felt so guilty. but i didnt know what to do. They said i was brave, and i was safe and they had me tell the little girl in me that i was okay and safe with my hands over my heart. it was hard to connect to that. i tried really hard. my heart is beating hard right now and i still feel like im here but im not here. im trying to hold space for this, but my mind keeps pulling me in all sorts of places. when they brought up if katarina was in that situation where she had to protect her mom and dad and hit her dad and what i would say to her, i lost it again. It helped me think of when i was a child and if i really deserved that or not. it helped me put myself in her shoes and have empathy and compassion and love for that little girl because she didnt deserve that and she deserved to feel safe and loved. im safe and its okay and i love you. i love that little girl and she didnt deserve that.