What is it?

 What is it about him that calls to me. I know it’s my trauma, that desperate need to be loved. I am witness to the need to validate myself through him. But there is this part about it where he is whole and healthy. He speaks this language, he knows exactly how to take care of his inner needs and maybe that’s also why I find him attractive, maybe it’s cause he’s also off limits. But I’m really trying not to fall back into old patterns, he’s on my mind constantly though and we’ve barely spoken, only once today and alone and I could tell he and I were both trying to keep it professional. I’m trying to make sure I don’t fall into him, maybe it’s also attractive that I think he may also be really interested in me but is also trying to hold back. Why is that attractive to me? This forbidden love. He’s also beautiful. But I’m trying to figure out if I’m truly attracted to who he is, if there is chemistry between us. It doesn’t even matter but it’s fucking with my head. I don’t want to feel this way, especially when I feel it’s not healthy, and also can’t come to fruition. 

This need in me. I would have mistaken it before as love, or want, or even lust but the feeling is too strong. Too strong for how much I really don’t know him. So what do I need? Love, validation, sex, I want to be touched. I want all the feelings, the excitement, the nervousness, the love, the fun, the fear. If he wasn’t in my orbit it would be easier. I just have to get through this. Figure out how to give myself all these things I’m needing. Keep him a fantasy even, but don’t follow through. Would I follow through if he wanted too? 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My hearts in fucking pieces.

 I’m out here in the sun with a smoke and it’s a beautiful day but my heart hurts. My heart which has been his for so long, is his no longer. I can’t keep doing this, loving him and losing me. I once spray painted your name across the tunnels beneath the city, i once believed you could hold all my energy, and i searched for so long after the beginning because you once did. That person, you were. you were so beautiful with your head in my hands watching the tress and staring into my eyes. I once believed that loving you could help me love me, but its only done the opposite. Everyday that ive tried to inch closer to the person that you were back then, i keep falling into the abyss. You blocked your heart from me, for years. I saw him again yesterday, but i cant wait for him. I cant wait for you to wake up one day. I cant have love that only lasts 5% of the time. It hurts more because i saw the person i had been longing for so much, just yesterday. The way you looked at me, the tears ...
Read more

trauma

 its such a weird thing. I knew i had been through things, and i knew they were hard. Having a alcoholic father and mother definitely wasn't easy, but i really didnt understand that even that was trauma. Now that everything has come up, i now understand just how much trauma ive been through.  why is it so hard to write about this? the memories themselves coming back was traumatic, and what happened was definitely beyond traumatizing. Its so hard to say, its so hard to think about. Sometimes i feel like im wading through cement when im writing because i dont want to get to the part where i start talking about what happened. Its scary to talk about, its scary to think about, its like going there, brings me to that place and i dont want to go back there. It hurts too much. I constantly question if the things in my head happened to me, but after i sobbed like i never had in group in front of all the people that make me feel safe i no longer questioned it. Its like everything i had...
Read more

this pain just doesnt let up, its lasted all day

 an undercurrent always there, right in my heart. It hurts too much, and i know i shouldnt be day drinking but i am. There is only so much a girl can take, i know its not good but at least its not the monster of all drugs.  im allowing myself to do this and im not going to feel bad. i needed a reprieve. is it what i want to do? no. is it heatlhy? no. but ive been pushing myself so hard and i have no relief, so im letting myself have this today. no more drinking after today to soothe this storm inside, i will deal with it head on from here on out. DONE AND DONE. i hate this, im angry, i fucking am sad. i want it to stop, i miss him, and im angry at him, and i wish this was all fucking different. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I DONT WANT TO HURT LIKE THIS ANYMORE AND ITS ONLY BEEN ONE FUCKIN DAY, WHY CANT I HANDLE IT?
Read more