all over the place

 "you come home tired, in a foul mood, and completely disengaged." Those words rang in my ear, and my heart beat sky rocketed. My hands are still shaking, and i can barely type. maybe its cause he came in to here again.. the comment rocked me. why? i just want to bury it. i want to say to him, im having a trauma response but im afraid of another comment like that one. 

i need to go to IOP, its how the whole conversation started. i wanted to get a babysitter, and he watched the kids yesterday. He is resentful about that. He kept making comments about how i was so tired yesterday and i relaxed the whole day. Yes i enjoy it but it takes a lot out of me and its why i am able to even notice the response im having. Im proud of myself. im proud i didnt react, im proud that i was able to recognize what happened. baby steps i guess. is it okay to shut down? im going to come back and write when i have more time to relax. 


i talked to shane and he helped me through it, im trying to self care today extra. The messages i got or the narrative i told myself when i heard the comment that he made was "Im a bad mom", and "i felt like he was invalidating my experience." he heard me crying on the phone and asked what was happening and i told him that my throat- it was hard to speak, and my hands were shaking. He had me do breath work, then he asked me about breathing excercises and wanting to do that with me, he said he had a meditation room. He then sent me the sweat lodge information and i rsvped by paying. I am looking forward to all this, and im working through it. Im proud of myself. i feel like clay in his hands. I am totally open and willing to work through and do whatever i need, even if its uncomfortable. Especially if its uncomfortable. I then had a nice bath with jojo, and danced a bit. im now listening to a podcast he did about inner child work. Im trying to stay connected today. i havent zoned out at all. thats a huge thing too. focus on all the good. Im doing the very best i can. i can do this. 

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